Why "Just Relax" is such terrible TTC advice

A little warning - today I'm going to discuss the fertility 'advice' that we've all seen and heard and been infuriated by...

"Just relax!"

If you've ever been on the receiving end of this phrase, you've probably nodded politely and moved the conversation along, whilst inwardly seething with annoyance - because we instinctively know that it's more complicated than a 2-word pleasantry can articulate.

But have you ever paused to unpack why it's so painful?

Firstly, let's look at 'relax'.

It's simply not enough. Of course we know that we would feel better if our bodies and minds could relax more... but a couple of bubble baths and a scented candle aren't going to cut it in 21st century life. This is an era when chaos and stress bombards from every screen and app, when we've been living through major historic events for over a decade (yep, the Brexit vote was in 2016), and when every interaction, work / family / social / online / offline, has the potential to get really stressful really quickly.

Suggesting to someone to 'relax' feels infantalising, because it infers that we could be distracted from all of this reality by something else, and simply forget our troubles.

It also makes us feel like somehow we're not doing enough, and 'relax' gets added to the to-do list of life.

If we look at what might be a useful way to rephrase 'relax', we might be open to hearing:

"I can see how much you are carrying right now - work is busy all the time, and [insert your own family/friendship/political drama here]. And on top of that, you care deeply about getting pregnant and becoming a mother.

It must feel really difficult within that context to have time to yourself when you also feel safe enough to slow down and rest."

That would feel different, wouldn't it?

Because I think that's the part about 'relaxing' that is so often forgotten - physical and psychological safety.

And that's where we need to look at the other part of the 'just relax' advice...

Just.

I had never thought about my usage of the word 'just' until it was pointed out to me by my first coach, Thea. I can't remember now what context I was using it in - probably "I've just got to do x, and then y, and then z"...

She called me out on it.

I was using 'just' in a way that made it sound like my x, y, and z were going to be easy to achieve.

And that I could therefore do it quickly.

And that I should be able to do it on my own.

And that therefore if I didn't, it would all be my own fault. My own failing.

Oof!

The word 'just' was definitely part of my inner Superwoman's toolkit of fear and guilt - and it was therefore something that PREVENTED me from relaxing!

So maybe truly relaxing isn't just a case of 'drop everything and put your feet up', because a socially-conscious, hardworking, daughter/sister/wife/partner isn't going to be able to switch off the part of her brain that cares deeply about the world and everyone around her.

So, where does this leave us with 'just relax'?

It's pretty hollow and meaningless in terms of actual, actionable, advice (it's not a SMART goal!). At best, it's well-meaning but thoroughly out of touch with the reality of Trying to Conceive in the 21st century.

If safe, prioritised, joyful relaxation feels totally out of reach at the moment, then there may be some areas of your life that are actively getting in the way of your TTC journey.

If it triggers you into anger, despair or defensiveness, then your inner Superwoman may be in the driving seat, or one of her cousins - Bitch, Victim, or Martyr.

Take some time to notice if and when you prioritise yourself this week.

And if it all feels overwhelming then please do reach out by email - [email protected] - or via my calendar for a free, no-obligation call.